Who’s a Daddy!

There comes a point in your child’s development when they utter their first comprehensible words. It might be ‘dada’ or ‘mama’ or something they’ve heard often which resembles their basic ‘baby vocabulary’ like ‘bye bye’, but when they start uttering it more than a few times the proud parents beam with excitement!

My son Luka has been gabbling away since his first birthday, sometimes stringing along whole sentences of his own undecipherable language, complete with cadence and lilt. Sometimes it even sounds like he is singing to himself. But none of it makes sense to us but I’m quite sure he is trying to articulate his thoughts. Only lately (since 15 months) has he definitely been coming out with ‘dada’ – which like his buddy Kai (born two weeks ahead of him) refers to all sorts of things, such as dogs and food. He can reliably also say bye bye, along with with a hand wave, when you are leaving.

I think it’s probably difficult to say exactly when a baby starts to talk, no doubt it’s a gradual process, but there isn’t a single parent in the world who doesn’t proudly announce that their baby has begun uttering its first few words. In terms of development it’s one of those great milestones – the fact that we’re the only species to develop a communicable language. But certainly we don’t suddenly wake up one morning and start speaking a few proper words.

Like all babies I imagine my son’s use of words comes from endless repetitive words and phrases like ‘bath time’, ‘eat your food’, ‘don’t do that’ and ‘sleepy time’. And I make a point of trying to talk to him the whole time we are together – a kind of running commentary of what’s going on around us, usually repeating the nouns, so he can put images to words. ‘We’re rolling on the grass, on the grass, grass’. ‘Lets go and see that tree, wow this is a big tree, nice tree’ (he loves the garden). He usually has that attentive look of curiousity about him.

Well, these are things I read in several child development books, and it makes sense, but it does require effort and patience to talk ‘baby speak’ and repeat yourself with boring simple phrases. I also ask a lot of questions to get him interested in things. ‘Where are we going Luka?’. ‘Why are the dogs barking’. I try to make it educational rather than cute ‘gagga-speak’ that others tend to use when they come into contact with him.

Then there are the words he’s invented. Every kid has them. My sister came up with the word ‘diggy’ and has been nicknamed that ever since. For Luka it’s ‘inja’ and ‘bigum’. Soon you realise he uses them in specific situations. The other day he saw Oliver (one of the canine family members) crawl under the car, so he lent under it and rattled off a unhesitated and slick commentary that sounded exactly like ‘Oliver what on earth are you doing under there, I command you to come out immediately!’.

When you have your own child and the numerous opportunities to study their behavioural use of language (before you share a common vocabulary) you soon notice the small nuances, such as the tone, diction, pace and confidence that they rattle off ‘utterances’. It could be some thought that comes to mind and needs to be expressed – even when nothing happened (for instance leaning out the window into a still garden).

Now, in Luka’s case he’s learning two languages at the same time, English and Thai.
And herein lies a challenge, since the potential for confusion is increased. But there are millions of babies around the world that grow up successively learning two languages simultaneously. I read somewhere that they tend to develop slower at each language but ultimately end up bilingual. I also think they probably can recognise the subtle differences in tone, syntax and sound of the two, in much the same way as we can recognise French and German apart without actually speaking them.

To help Luka with his learning, his mum always speaks to him in Thai and I speak to him in English. But most his day is spent with this grandmother who only speaks Thai (and confuses the matter by speaking to him in the Northern dialect). Sometimes when I speak to him in front of his grandmother I have to use Thai so she understands what we’re going to do ‘ja pai dern pai maa’ (we’re going to walk the dogs now) or ‘welaa up-naam’ (it’s bath time). Usually I will then repeat it in English for him.  This is important I think, and I make extra effort to do things with him and talk about it as we go, so that he gets sufficient exposure to English at this early age.

Before long they’ll be gabbling away and we’ll wish they would just shut up!
 

Since our baby was about six months old we got him to recognise and acknowledge the concept of ‘NO’. Of course the repetitive ‘no’ or stern ‘noooo’ sinks in, but I made a point of getting his attention and shaking my head. Before long he understood. By eight months old – at an age when he was asserting himself and trying to see how much he could cognitively get away with – he would respond by shaking his head in reply.

This must be one of the most delightful and rewarding aspects of our development process together. Think for a moment about this. I see he is going to, or has done something that I really discourage (especially if its dangerous) and interrupt his comfortable world of play-exploring to get serious. This gets his attention. ‘Luka’, I stearnly say, and wait for him to look at me. ‘No’, I instruct him, shaking my head and repeating myself. After a pause he vigourously shakes his head (never looks me in the eye) and moves onto something else.

He acknowledges its forbidden or ‘not good’ and moves on, not wanting to dwell on it. This I think is an important breakthrough and disciplinary action. I make him admit it’s wrong rather than constantly deny him things. Sometimes when he really doesn’t want to stop, or admit that he knows he shouldn’t have done it, he goes quiet, stares at the ground, holds out a little longer to see if he can get away with it, then vigourously shakes his head (still staring at the ground)! It’s as if he’s saying, ‘ok, I admit it was wrong, can we move on now, it’s no big deal. This is great, it’s an intelligent and cheeky response which I’m pleased with.

For an eight month old who is only just crawling I thought this was quite pleasing. He now uses it to signify to us he doesn’t want something, like his water or milk (though he’s also taken to pawing it away with his hand). Now he’s nearly 15 months old and we still communicate like this but we’ve augmented it with the positive recognition – hand clapping.

Before I go on, I must mention that from the outset I’ve tried not to be a ‘no dad’ – in other words a control freak who stops him at every step if there is the slightless chance of danger or mess. This is in stark contrast to his grandmother who minds him all day and has limited confidence in his safety due to a lack of knowledge. I think it’s better for his development to give him confidence to explore, to find out what fits where, what happens when you do this or that, what’s in here or there.

If it means he trashes your bookshelf, or keeps digging into your wallet and leaving the money strewn all over the floor, so what. As long as you use a little judgement. If he likes fiddling with the volume knobs on the stereo even if it’s near electrical plugs then I keep an eye on him and let him go ahead until he actually does find danger. I really do think this is an important aspect of how I intend to raise children. I want them to be adventurous, curious, confident to go ahead with trying new things out, seeing what happens, and learning by doing themselves.

This is counter to a typical Thai cultural trait to do as you’re told and follow the system. And living in Thailand I can see the shortcomings of a nation of people who’ve been through an education system that teaches you what to think rather than how to think. Classrooms full of kids learning by rote an obediently doing exactly as their told since the system gives none but the elders and power holds the priviledge of ‘knowing the way’.

So, back to the encouragement of figuring out and doing by yourself – which I believe is at the heart of child-learning. And since this blog entry is getting a bit long I’m going write a new entry for the positive routine of learning. The self-congratulatory ‘hand clap’…

Here he is taking a bath in the sink some months ago.

Clapping hands is one of those clever little things parents teach their children to impress everyone and your child should be able to do this (with some repetitive encouragement) by 18 months old, if not sooner. Clapping hands is part of singing activities and mimicking of parents, but in our case its reserved (at this stage) for self congratulations when something right or challenging has been achieved.

We taught Luka to clap his hands when he had completed a task that was worth doing. We would clap, as a sign that he had done well, and soon he caught on and tried it himself – babies love trying to mimic their parents to get recognition. Now he does it out of habit to signify he has successfully completed the task, no matter how simple it is.

It all started with the piggy bank routine. Noting how he like to insert things into each other, like phone charger jacks, plugs and so on, we made a simple piggy bank and hung it from a cupboard in the office. He likes seeking out coins – usually by raiding my wallet, so we taught him to start saving his pocket money by depositing the coins through the slot. He liked this one, and now he makes a bee-line for the hanging piggy bank everytime he finds a coin. In fact it’s gotten out of hand because he knows (at 16 months) where the wallet is kept in the office draw and frequently fishes it out, finds the coins and then waddles over to deposit them in his piggy bank.

When the penny dropped (no pun intended) we would clap hands as if to say ‘well done, you’re saving money’ – so he learnt to clap too, and every time he manages to get the coin into the slot (which is still quite an exercise in dexterity for him) he then claps his hands upon hearing the crunch of coin on the pile of nickel. Scarcely a penny is deposited without him grinning and clapping his hands as if to say ‘right, job done’.

Of course we have gotten him to extend this to other important co-ordination/learning tasks like shape shorters, which he’s still getting the hang of. When he finally figures out where the crescent block goes and gets it correctly positioned (often with a little guidance from dad), he laughs and claps. We clap to, just to remind him.

So, clap, clap, clap. Soon he is clapping at all sorts of things. Handing is dad the mobile phone which he’s picked up because it was ringing. Successfully putting a spoonful of food into his mouth with his own hands. Turning off the fan when I ask him, or inserting the car keys into the lock when we have a chance. These all get a hand clap. And whenever there is a chance to let him do the task, I let him, for he loves to be involved and feel important. And he loves to get a clap.

One thing on the mind of all parents of tots is whether or not they’ve inherited the best of the intelligence genes. Perhaps I’m wrong on this and you’re reading this hoping your son will follow your own stellar career as a WWF wrestler, but mostly I think we look forward to a smart baby.

Since Luka was born I’ve been watching, I guess as many dads subconsciously do, to see if he shows signs of being clever. It’s probably way to early to say and since it’s my first close experience with a child I really have no yardstick of what they should be figuring out at this age.

But my son does seem to amaze me with how he manages to  ‘figure things out’ on his own. For example, at 12 months old he started answering the telephone. He doesn’t just pick it up when in proximity to a ringing handset. We can dial our home phone and he’ll go tearing across the room on twos or all fours, then (this is where I’m well impressed), he pulls out the bottom drawer of the chest and stands on it to reach the handset, which he then puts to his ear and later hands it to us with a baby gaggle which presumably means  ‘I think it’s for you’!

Lately he insists on grabbing the keys from my hand when I get home then totters off down the driveway and tries to insert them into the lock on the gate. No one showed him these things, he’s obviously mimicking what he’s seen us doing. As with the phone, he has no idea what the phone or lock are for but seems to like ‘doing as daddy does’. This I think is a key characteristic of baby development. Subconsciously they mimic life to try and be like their parents.

There are other examples. He defeated our attempt to prevent him climbing the stairs using a gate, by figuring out how to climb through the struts of the banister, and when I caught him he had that smug look of achievement and satisfaction on his face. Then there is his attempt to be our energy saving policeman by diligently turning off any standing fan he comes across. He knows exactly which button is ‘off’ and will insist on turning any blowing fan off. It’s a pain and I’ve tried to teach him how to turn it back on but he won’t have it. As he wanders off I turn it back on, whereupon he promptly turns around and comes back to turn it off again!

If he wants to drink something I’m drinking, I just give him a straw and he’s figured out to put it into the bottle/can and suck the contents out. If it’s a tetrapak he’ll pull off the attached straw and insert it through the tiny hole himself. I didn’t teach him any of this, he jut figured it out and I guess it’s all part a natural process babies have where necessity is the mother of all ‘discovery’. To this end I let him go ahead with exploring regardless of the potential consequences. This means putting up with him turning off my pc (I’ve learnt to backup frequently), and he plays with all sorts of things he could possibly wreck, like my mobile phone, with me keeping a careful eye on him.

The biggest surprise of all however is his reaction to Buddha images. Living in Thailand, my wife and I follow Buddhism and have a shrine and some images about the house. Typically a Thai will offer a brief ‘wai’ or hand-prayer action when passing these, but not in your own home where you pass them frequently. Luka, to our complete surprise, has started clasping his hands together in a rudimentary ‘wai’ when he comes across one of these. I can’t think were he has seen us doing this, it’s astonishing that he has picked up something as abstract as this.

Maybe all babies learn like this out of curiosity, or some are more curious than others. Luka really is a curious baby, and seems faster than other babies I know of at figuring things out.

From about 11 months babies suddenly start walking. This is a giant leap forward for baby-kind and when you look at how mobile they suddenly become you begin to appreciate what a profound evolutionary development this was when humans got off all fours and developed a sense of balance.

Before you get all upset that your 14 month old is still crawling, remember that different babies develop at different rates and Luka only really began walking from 13 months when some of his girl friends where way ahead of him at 11 months. If Luka has inherited my sense of co-ordination then I’d expect him to be a late developer in this regard. Lance Armstrong claimed he was walking at 9 months!

When they do start to walk it’s almost an instant success and they never look back. I noted Luka was standing unaided and moving around the room holding onto things from month 10, but it took awhile for him to develop the confidence and balance to put one foot in front of the other. We had plenty of practice sessions together where I would place him 5 meters in front of me and he’d stumble forward into my arms. Gradually, as he remained upright I would subtly move away from him, increasing the distance slightly each time.

Then one day, at a little kiddy activity day, we left him alone and presto, he walked unaided or prompted across a room (about 10m) on his own. After that he quickly figured out it was much more practical than crawling and hasn’t looked back. Within a week he was walking everywhere. Since he’d had plenty of practice ‘falling over’ (a baby skill where they simply bend their knees and fall onto their bum safely) he didn’t have to worry. It was all a confidence thing, and he was too lazy to step out of his comfort zone.

Now we have a bigger problem on our hands, he’s far more mobile and moves quicker so you really have to keep an eye on him. Before you know it he’s out the door and heading rapidly for the pond! He can be playing at your feet one minute and suddenly be on the other side of the house or apartment wrecking things.

Once your baby starts walking, their world increases dramatically, they can get around much more easily and experience much more. If the dogs are barking they can soon be at the door to witness what all the fuss is about. They can follow you around, tinker with far more things and go wandering off all over the place. I like to let him go, learning independence, and patiently follow from a distance. He can pottering around a busy mall oblivious to all around him, or I might leave him at the bottom of the garden by himself and watch from the veranda. He’s so captivated that he scarcely misses me.

But, more than ever, you need to be vigilante because something tragic could happen so quickly and easily if you take you eyes off them!

(ed note!) This pic was taken when he was 15 months old.

We all love birthdays, but celebrating the first ever birthday of an offspring is exciting and unique. At 365 day’s old my son doesn’t quite grasp the occasion but his parents and friends who are parents had a ball!

So, finally, Luka is 1 year old and we decided to invite all his future pals around for a bit of fun. I call them ‘future pals’ because he’s still a bit young to be playing with other children and only knows how to interact with close adult members. As often happens, many other people you know also suddenly have babies at the same time and we had more than 10 kids under the age of three, five of them born during 2006.

Of course the party was really for the new mums and dads, the sort of party you would have absolutely no interest in attending before you became a parent, the sort of party of shrieking kids that you avoided at all costs. But when you’re a patient parent, the site of all these cute little tykes, and the pride you feel with your own baby takes on a whole new meaning.

The fun of being a parent, is sharing the joy and experiences with other parents who appreciate what you are witnessing (a baby growing up), and can sit for hours talking about baby things, whether you’re a mum or a dad (yes dad’s get into these topics too!)

So, we bought him a rocking motorbike (horses are old fashioned) a small push cart (dressed up as a fire engine) which he’ll have to grown into because his feet barely reach the ground, and some educational toys like shape sorters and such. But the most delightful gift I could find was a giant magic mushroom play-pool, about a meter in diameter with a bright read inflatable mushroom sun-shade. Kids just love playing with water and the weather here in Thailand is always warm enough, so we undressed all the little ones and put them in the water – Luka and four girls!

At one year’s old (some of his friends are only 6-8 months), they don’t interact much other than the odd exploratory touch here and there, but Luka did reach over to Zoë grab her face and give her an impromptu kiss, which was hilarious, we all laughed and that prompted him to laugh.

So, with babies everywhere, and a few kids running around making lots of noise, we left them all on one big blanket with the ever-increasing mound of toys Luka is accumulating and all watched with delight. It was a good chance to see how differently babies develop, Ella (at 11 months) could walk, Luka is still learning, but Zara has only just started sitting up and crawling at 13 months.

A one year old birthday party is a great opportunity for parents to get together and swap notes, meet other parents, and for babies to get used the company of other babies. Luka won’t remember his first birthday, but he seemed to enjoy himself and his parents certainly did! The icecream cake was also pretty tasty, what was left of it after he mushed his hand into it.

I was kind of hoping that the much talked about issue of sleep depravation was long over after the first few months, but lately it’s come back to haunt me. We have a restless sleeper in the house, in fact two of them to be more accurate.

I’m realising now the importance of getting a sleep routine going. If the baby isn’t completely exhausted at bed time then he won’t sleep through the night. And babies are irritable things when they wake up unscheduled. Irritable babies means lots of crying (usually at 3am), and once the irritable baby’s father is awoken there’s no getting back to sleep easily.

Getting a baby to sleep is one handy way of shutting them up and creating some peace and quiet for yourself, but eventually they will have to wake up and it could be at the wrong time. I realised that in the early evening granny was lulling him to sleep so she could relax and eat, of course he would awaken at 8pm all cheery and remain that way almost until midnight!

In the mornings, when I’ve got to get up and start working (usually about 7.30), after a dreadful night of disturbances, he’s completely out spread-eagled on our bed with my wife and I barely on the edges of the mattress. He won’t stir until 8.30 sometimes! It’s going to be a hassle getting him off to school, I can tell.

So, time to stop letting him sleep beyond 4pm and keep him going until at least 10. He can be very tiresome when he’s tired but not interested in sleeping. When babies are irritable they burst into fits of tears easily, but it does wear them out and before you know it they’ve nodded off into a deep sleep.

Lately my son Luka has becoming really attached to his dad. He seems to think it’s way more cool playing with me than anyone else in the family and he keeps insisting on being with me. It’s rather flattering but can be exhausting!

Since I work from home it’s starting to become quite challenging dealing with this distraction. The little fella keeps trying to come into my office. No longer content to trash my bookshelf full of books and CDs he now wants me to pick him up and play with him, or at least cart him around the house. This usually keeps him quiet and content but it’s a pain.

So, I’ve had to develop all sorts of tricks to keep his mind on something else while I sneak off to the office and try and get work done. It would work at first, but he’s a fast learner and senses the moment I sneak off. He immediately becomes anxious and whines.

Now, I understand from the baby books, that babies feel far more secure when in the company of someone else, preferably someone they’re familiar with. This is true, and you don’t necessarily need to be playing with them, they will happily amuse themselves, fiddling endlessly with a cornflake box or toothpaste tube, so long as you are nearby. This is because they have learnt attachment to others and is the first steps I think in developing social skills.

I’ve started taking him into the garden to play, leaving him alone on the grass and observing from a distance. He’s fine exploring on his own, especially if it’s something new, but I do need to be there. It’s good time to read the newspaper and sometimes he just stands on the swing chair and gabbles away in his own little word, not doing anything in particular.

Routines like this become important because it can be irritating putting up with his attention seeking and needing to keep him amused. Sometimes I can sit him on the desk beside mine with a pile of stationery to tinker with, while I get on with work. But the bottom line is, he has to be with me. I’ve tried handing him over to granny but he immediately performs and objects to being removed from my company.

Even when his mum comes home from work, he often gets uptight and leans out of her arms towards me, want to be carried around by me. I don’t know if it’s because I make a particular effort to show him what’s going on, narrating everything I do, from preparing a cup of tea, to watering the garden. It interests him more than shaking rattles with his granny I guess.